My taxes for 2024? Filed.
One piece of certainty handled—until next year, at least.
As the saying goes, nothing is certain in life except death and taxes.
How bleak is that?
And yet, when I look back at my 2018 self—living with my parents in Detroit, working in risk management at one of the first digital-only banks in the U.S., and attending happy hours like clockwork—she wouldn’t call that bleak. She’d probably look at my life now and think: “Wait… what the heck?”
I don’t know where I’ll be living a month from now.
To her, that would be terrifying.
“It’s too unpredictable,” she’d think.
But here’s the twist:
Trying to make life predictable is its own kind of risk.
So, how do I wrestle with uncertainty?
I don’t fight it. I live with it.
Last week, after a Theravada Vipassana meditation course, my roommate asked if my teaching job was permanent.
I laughed.
Her 78-year-old dad laughed, too.
Because—really—what in life is permanent?
I’ve been skeptical of the concept of permanence for a while now.
In 2017, I got a B- in a class called "Couple Relationships" (meant to be an easy A, by the way). One textbook was about hookup culture, and the other was Dr. John Gottman’s The Four Horsemen of Marriage. What do I remember most? Statistically, divorce is more likely than lifelong matrimony. So much for “til death do us part.”
Even marriage—something wrapped in tradition, religion, and public promises—feels more like an evolving contract than an eternal vow. Divorce rates climb as polyamory gains visibility and fewer people center their lives around lifelong commitments or the rigid rules of religion.
In 2019, I signed a consulting contract for what felt like the most stable job I’d ever had.
Until I got let go. No clear reason. Just… done.
Certainty is slippery like that.
Even when I think I’m locking things down—jobs, relationships, locations—it’s often an illusion.
People make choices that feel secure so they can sleep at night, feeling less risky.
In 2024, I was diagnosed with TMD—Temporomandibular Disorder. In layman’s terms, my jaw’s been overactive since high school. Since my headgear and braces came off, I grind through my teeth like chewy Gobstoppers, so I don’t allow myself to chew gum when I’m bored. Anxiety has always hummed in the background of my forward-focused family life.
The recommended cure for TMD? A small amount of toxin that could cause a life-threatening type of food poisoning is called botulism. I got Botox. My first—and hopefully last—dose right before I moved abroad indefinitely.
Tiny injections entered into my jaw muscles through my cheeks and temples. I cried the whole time. No thanks to needles. But the relief was real. For a few months, that jaw muscle unclenched, paralyzed. Botox as a short-term bandage. A small truce with anxiety.
Now, six months later, the effects have worn off. The tension is back. I haven’t changed, not really. I’m still trying to figure it out. Still clenching. Still carrying things I can’t name. Still looking for relief that lasts longer than a few months.
Yes, it’s risky to live a life without knowing what next month will look like.
But to me, it feels riskier to reach the end of my life and wonder:
Why did I trade wonder and possibility for a false sense of control?
The only guarantees in life are death and taxes, so what are we doing with the in-between?
Maybe we’re here to make it meaningful. Unpredictable. Exploratory. Worthwhile.
Let’s do that, shall we?
If you enjoyed reading this, you could also check out some of my other work:
~~~
Sawadee ka fellow learn-it-all 👋
Greetings from Chiang Rai, Thailand 🇹🇭
Today, I pack up my desk and scan my fingerprint and eyeballs for the last time at school. Next week, I will receive my last paycheck of cash Baht in a pink rubber band without an envelope or invoice.
Time has been flying too fast. It boggles my mind. I will leave Thailand next week for a Visa run to return and extend my time in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I’ll be attending Thai massage school for knowledge to relieve stress that feels longer lasting than botox. If you know anyone in Chiang Mai, I’m open to making some connections.
~~~
If you are reading this for the first time, I’d love you to sign up below to join the other learn-it-alls:
❓Question to think about
How can I live the life I want to live in spite of the inevitable teeth-grinding?
📖Reading
This is also on page 66 of the book “The Mirror of Relationship.” I am including the whole passage along with Thai translation in case of Thai friends interest or if my future self needs a refresher on the context:
A transcribed talk in 1965 in Saanen from Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti’s that punched my psyche in the gut:
“Most of us never ask ourselves a fundamental question, but this is a fundamental question we are asking ourselves now. Why have I, who have lived forty, fifty, sixty — or whatever number of years it is that one has lived — why have I gathered this storehouseful of what I think, what I feel, what I am, what I should be, this accumulation of experience, knowledge? And if I had not done that, what would happen? Do you understand? If I had no concept about myself, what would happen to me? I would be lost, wouldn’t I? I would be uncertain, terribly frightened of life. So I build an image, a myth, a concept, a conclusion about myself, because without this framework life would become for me utterly meaningless, uncertain, fearful: there would be no security. I may be secure outwardly; I may have a job, a house, and all the rest of it, but inwardly also I want to be completely secure. And it is the desire to be secure that compels me to build this image of myself, which is verbal. Do you understand? It has no reality at all; it is merely a concept, a memory, an idea, a conclusion.”
🎧Listening
I’ve been missing my students. This song from a TikTok we made together popped up on my Spotify Daylist and it makes me smile.
🔍Word to define
Heedfulness: the act of paying close attention to someone or something. It can also mean being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions
I was prompted to look up this word as my 10th grade reading student Namphan used it to compliment my teaching style.
🤪 Just for fun
Five silly little moments from the past few days I wanna share:
Last night, I tried frog legs, pig intestines, and an orange unnamed Chinese fruit smoothie. Surprisingly I liked the frog legs. The fried sesame coating helped, but didn’t love the bones or the feet. The pig intestines and fruit smoothie I’ll take a pass on for next time.
In the no cavity club for now. I went to a dental clinic that wasn’t my family’s for the first time in my life. I was surprised by how well Dr. Ohn knew English.
I ate a whole portion of Khao Soi without ordering milk. Is my spice tolerance getting higher?
Swam 600meters (of 3000) in 9minutes and 59 seconds while not trying very hard gliding through the pool. Not too shabby! I am grateful for swimming pools. Still missing the ocean and lakes.
Joined a bible study and was put on the spot to share two truths and a lie. That was tricky and I now will be coming up with answers for this as ammo whenever I go to new gatherings.
🌟Quote to inspire
“The most thought-provoking thing in our thought-provoking time is that we are still not thinking.”―Martin Heidegger, German philosopher who studied existentialism
📸Photo of the Week
Five months later and I finally made it to the notorious White Temple in Chiang Rai.
🙏Shoutout
to my friend Dane for inspiring this question on how I wrestle with uncertainty. I’m open ears if any of y’all have other prompts for me to write about 🤓
I appreciate you reading Letter 254!
If ideas resonated, I’d love you to press the heart button, leave a comment, reply to this email, or reach me at vermetjl@gmail.com.
Keep on learning 😁
K̄ha bhuṇ ka 🌺 🌺
Jen
PS- if you’d like to read my favorite letters, the best way to encourage my work is to buy my book on Amazon here.
PPS - in case you missed last week’s letter on my in and out list for the year
If you’re reading this because someone shared this newsletter with you, welcome! I’d love it if you signed up:
Share this post