🚦 What-If Stories about Life Trajectory

Letter 177

Aloha fellow learn-it-all 👋

Greetings from a Caribou Café on my layover at the Minneapolis airport in Minnesota.

By the time you’ve received this, I will probably have the eye mask that I went to seven shopping malls in Malaysia to find in April and attempting to take a nap even though I never can sleep. Considering that I forgot a neck pillow today is going great! I’m on my way back to Hawaii after 77 days away 😍

I am undoubtedly the only human wearing snow boots on a plane to Hawaii to save luggage space for books (iykyk). I can’t stop laughing at myself. My future self will be grateful to have these come winter travels.

Quick disclaimer: I wrote this entire letter on Apple Notes on my iPhone on my last hour flight. If there are more typos than usual, I appreciate you overlooking these. And to be courteous to my neighbors (and free from as much embarrassment), I did not record a voiceover. 

Now, let’s dive into letter 177 from a learn-it-all. Enjoy!

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❓Question to think about

What if I could be on a different life trajectory?

🖊️ Writing

On Saturday, I meandered around the fat squirrel-filled city of Ann Arbor with my parents. The barn wedding we attended wasn’t until the late afternoon, so we hopped over to a University of Michigan tailgate beforehand. 

As we walked around the college campus, I felt old. Frighteningly old. 

Surrounded by a sea of students in maize and blue, the stimulation of the school spirit was outrageous. 

Underage drinkers moseying the streets struggling to walk in a straight line. Tall dorky guys excited to *not* be in the library. Cliques of girls wearing their sorority letters to make their coolness known. I walked by the biggest party that used to be known as “the pit” (and I think still is). It’s in the backyards of several houses for a massive party full of raging music like Shots by LMFAO and “I Love College” by Asher Roth. The same music that I used to blast on my Saturday mornings while pouring André champagne with a splash of OJ into a classy red solo cup.

I’m five years out of college. Hallelujah 🙏. What a different season that I simultaneously half smile and cringe at. 

My dad lived in Ann Arbor for 8 years for his undergraduate and doctorate degrees. I couldn’t walk a few feet next to him without hearing a memory of a balcony he once partied at, a house a girl he used to date lived at, or a rock where a hamster he once buried was (is?). I loved every single story so much as I started to get to know who my dad was when he was around my age.

Meanwhile, when my mom was eighteen, she got into Michigan but decided to go elsewhere instead. Their arch nemesis: Michigan State University.

Mom continually says how if she knew my dad in college there’s no way that I’d exist typing this letter to you today. In many ways, I am totally blessed that they didn’t know each other in college before they had matured in their own ways before meeting. The timing wouldn’t have been right. 

I’ll be honest, if I got into Michigan I probably would’ve gone. It’s such a high-ranked prestigious institution and because I was a Michigan resident, it would’ve been in-state tuition. Financially speaking it would’ve been the highest return on investment. That is an irresistible offer. (And discounted tickets to football games at the largest stadium in the country. C’mon now. )

This all makes me think…

How would my life be different if I got into the University of Michigan? 

Would I be in some muckety muck corporate high-heel and blazer-wearing job if I went to an even more prestigious school than Miami University?

I would’ve been academically struggling more. I might’ve had fewer rejections to find my internships during the summers. I probably wouldn’t have gotten into the Ross Business School so who knows what my major would’ve been. If it wasn’t in finance, maybe I would’ve declared one in math, creative writing, or French.

I don’t know if I would actually have time for extracurricular activities like joining the swim team and HerCampus magazine. If I joined a club, I would’ve rushed Greek Life. Would any sororities have actually wanted me? My self-esteem probably would’ve been shot from my academic struggles. Who would’ve wanted an insecure girl in their house?

What if I found out I had dyslexia in high school instead of college? What if I received extended time and scored higher on my reading score on the ACT? What if I actually had time to read the 2nd half of the exam and could get above an 18 on the section? What if I didn’t have to take that awful exam five times? 

What if I somehow had more raw talent like the girls I grew up swimming with who swam for the University of Michigan and are now training to qualify for the Olympic team in Paris next year?

This makes me think even more…

What if I didn’t go to college? 

Maybe I would’ve continued to be a sailing coach instead of seeking jobs that attracted and impressed large business corporations for after graduation. 

What if my grandparents weren’t immigrants? Would my relationship with higher education be the same? Would I still be striving to make the most of the opportunities they created for the family by sacrificing their comforts to pursue the American Dream?

What if my mom didn’t have a career? Would I still be striving to have a career? Would I already be married with children and a husband if I didn’t feel the expectation to find fulfillment and independence from work in my life as a woman? 

Would I still have studied civil rights at a castle in Luxembourg, social justice at a village in Fiji, and Dutch culture at a small house in Amsterdam? Would I still love traveling as much as I do today? Would I still enjoy long flights?

Would I still be on the plane to Hawaii today?

Well, I’m definitely not an all-knowing God, so I have no idea. 

My imagination goes wild with these meandering scenarios playing in my head.

There’s no stop to the what-if stories that whirl around in my walnut. 

They’re there and they’re here to stay, but instead of channeling regrets, I want to feel empowered. I transform and evolve every day. 

In the image below, online writer and graphic artist Tim Urban reminds us that “We think a lot about those black lines, forgetting that it’s still in our hands.”

Source: Tim Urban on Twitter

I like where I am right now. Sure, there are millions of other places I could be in this moment or things I could be doing other than writing at my layover right now, but I like this one where I’m at right now because that’s where I am.  There are infinite possibilities of other places I could be or should be, but there is only one green line that will turn out to be my life trajectory, and I am okay with that.

In the Power of Regret by Daniel Pink writes, “In my own American Regret Project survey, inaction regrets outnumbered action regrets by nearly two to one.” Most regrets come from inaction rather than action. Looking back at the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” won’t help anybody. It’ll just make me feel bad about myself and then I’ll take even fewer actions and create even more regrets. 

I don’t want to fixate on the past. I would rather play in the possibilities of the future. The past is my archive of constraints of my possibilities for the present day. I’d rather choose based on how I want to live today because it’s what I want. I’m already an irrational being, so making choices based purely on historical data and past decisions won’t actually tee me up for an authentic life.

Chart your own green line.

Each day we get a clean slate to start from. Take advantage of it.

🎧Listening

I wanted to get the hell out of Portland
You wanted to say it was more important
To be where you were raised, understand, my love
I wanted the roll and see the world
You wanted a home, one boy, one girl
But clearly, God had different plans for us

Though we made it down the interstate
I feel my heart begin to break
Is this choice or is it fate by fate?

Maybe we were right
It was good to say goodbye
"Happy ever after" doesn't last
We both knew it was time
To leave those times behind
Let's hope that down the road
We'll cross our paths
So, we could look back and laugh

I had the privilege of seeing David Kushner live this past week in Detroit. He is 23 years old with 25 million monthly listeners on Spotify. Wow.

He realized he could sing after high school, started playing the guitar and taught music to himself. Eventually, he worked with a vocal coach. The single "Miserable Man" in January 202” went viral on TikTok and made him famous.

🌟Quote to inspire

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” - Victor Frankl

📸 Photo of the Week

At games, my parents cheer for each other’s teams except for when it’s the BIG annual UM vs. MSU game ;)

🙏Shoutouts

• To my sister and culinary master of delectable foods who cooked me the most tasty beef bourguignon. For a rare carnivore who usually prefers fish or animals on 2 legs, I did, in fact enjoy this dish a lot

• To Nicole Prentice who just got married over the weekend in Ann Arbor. The vows and toasts got me crying. She wrote about being alcohol-free so if you enjoyed reading about my experience I invite you to read about hers in 100 Proof.

• To

  Christin Chong, PhD
  who recorded a voiceover of her handwritten cursive letter to her readers. I found it so cute and recommend following along

• To my mom who baked her legendary apple cake last night

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I appreciate you reading this!

If ideas resonated, I’d love you to press the heart button, leave a comment, reply to this email, or reach me at vermetjl@gmail.com. If you forgot who I am, I welcome you to my online home.

Never stop learning 😁

Mahalo 🌺

Jen

PS - in case you missed last week’s on snail-paced living, it was a goodie :)

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