📲 Breaking Free: A Journey to Intentional Living Without Social Media
Letter 180
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Aloha fellow learn-it-all 👋
Greetings from Honolulu, Hawaii
Twas a beautiful sunset a couple of nights ago and these magenta bougainvilleas were blooming her beauteous brains out. I freaking love life. How blessed are we to exist?
Now, let’s dive into letter 180 from a learn-it-all. Enjoy!
❓Question to think about
Why am I taking a break from social media?
🖊️Writing
I love being social. I love media. I do not love social media.
It is a temptress that paints an illusion of genuine connection that is too frictionless and easy.
Nobody wants to live by compulsion. I want to live with intention.
For this reason, I decided to start an experiment without social media.
For the summer, I decided to spend quality time with my family in Michigan. Sitting at my gate waiting to leave my home in Honolulu, Hawaii, I read the thoughtful cards from friends and remembered how grateful I am to have these validating words. Then I superglued myself to my form of familiarity: my phone. I slid my finger across the glass for an hour looking through photos from my albatross hiking adventure and beach brunch the day before to post on my Instagram story quickly. I felt a gloom of sadness over me, so I let it take me with my “ :'( feeling soft </3” playlist.
Back in my childhood bedroom, the jet lag and the abandonment of previous boundaries to friendzone my phone crept in. The constant superficial form of staying in the loop with friends by hearting their stories led to a surface-level sense of connection. The more incessantly I liked, the more I delusionally thought I could stay in touch. But that was merely a deception.
Social media creates a false flow state. The computer in my pocket knows that I get uncomfortable in the line at the post office or at my airport gate. Social media, designed to be a tool for learning, sharing, connecting, and promoting, had transformed into a thief of time whenever a moment of mundane presented itself. The never-ending now of exciting updates due to expire in the next 24 hours was an alluring escape from boredom that left my future self regretful and resentful without presence.
The poet and lifelong spiritual seeker, Mary Oliver shared wisdom that,
“Attention is the beginning of devotion.”
If my attention is devotion, do I really want to devote my life to social media tools?
They tricked me into believing the deal was good, offering a free, frictionless experience anytime with an internet connection. These tools make me look forward to the times when I have no Internet connection, like when I am up in the air on a plane, backpacking in a volcanic national park, or while at sea…
This past summer, when I boarded the Frers 50 “Large Marge” to sail across Lake Huron to Mackinac Island, I made a promise to myself that I would take a ten-day social media break from July 15 to July 25. It was easy to stay off when I was sailing for those 46 hours without Internet. I didn’t have any FOMO. I was in the moment on the boat with the ten others navigating alongside me.
When we docked at the island and I saw everyone bend their heads down to reboot their little black magic boxes to return to reality, buzzing with notifications, I was grateful that I had already deleted my social media. I was ignorant to it all, joyfully. After sleeping only a few hours at sea, I thankfully took a peaceful nap without any inbox urgency. I calmly rested my eyelids for four hours without the looming guilt of unliked posts before enjoying planked whitefish over a family dinner.
The ten-day mark arrived, and with it, the choice to return to social media. Yet, I found myself hesitating. I had grown accustomed to a life without the constant hum of notifications and the pressure to portray an idealized existence. Inspired by my new environment in northern Michigan for the summer, I crafted my own 75 Hard-inspired “Modified Magical 30” incorporating a Digital Sabbath on Mondays.
During the break from social media, I noticed a transformation. Instead of dreading my Internet connection, my phone, once a compulsive mosquito bite, became a tool for intentional living. I replaced mindless scrolling to escape boredom with direct texts to friends to set up chats for a deeper connection. Instead of seeking out tweets for writing inspiration, I took walks in nature without my phone. I sent more meaningful voice notes to loved ones in faraway timezones or thought-out emails to friends with what was on my mind. The itch of social media transformed into a scar that no longer bled but spoke of newfound peace.
British anthropologist Robin Dunbar created a theory on the number of meaningful friendships a person can have simultaneously. Dunbar’s number is 150 friends. It was a theory I was challenging with over 1,000 online connections on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. I felt like I was defying the odds. But it’s not true, these tools are not actually allowing me to cheat. They are cheating me.
Social media trains me to desire quantity over quality of interactions. Author Derek Sivers eloquently explores the tradeoff between two community approaches: local and global. He shared:
“You can focus your time locally or globally. If you’re local, you focus on your community, doing things in person. But this means you have less time to focus on the rest of the world. If you’re global, you make things for the whole world. But this means you have less time to be part of your local community.”
This insight resonated deeply with my journey. While I have favored a more local community-centric approach, social media has been my gateway to the global community. It provided an avenue for easy and immediate sharing. However, as I reflect on Sivers' words, I recognize that this convenience comes at a cost – a compromise on thoughtful and intentional communication that aligns with my values.
Being globally connected on social media often means succumbing to the rapid flow of information, sacrificing depth for breadth. It’s a constant negotiation between being present locally and virtually spanning the global landscape. I cannot beat science, and my life's goal is not to have 1,000 close friends. I want to be most aware of where my feet are.
This social media experiment wasn't an isolated endeavor. Influential figures on similar journeys, like
off of Instragram and reclaiming his attention from Twitter granted me permission to explore my own path.Ten days in, I gained immeasurable peace of mind. I decided to extend the experiment through the end of the year. It’s been over three months now, and I am grateful for taking the leap.
My ask to you: Experiment with a break from social media.
It could be one day a week for a month, a weekend, or ten days. The choice is yours. Make it what you like. See how you feel without it.
I employed tools like Freedom to block certain websites, breaking the habit of unconsciously typing URLs. During Lent, I blocked social media on Fridays, baffling relatives who questioned my disconnection from the digital realm. The truth unfolded during those meatless and media-less Fridays: did I need to stay in the loop on distant acquaintances' life events? Did I need to feel bad about not acing the social media game? The answer was a resounding no. Social media ceased being an unpaid job; it was a compulsion I willingly shed.
Nobody wants to live by compulsion. We want to live with intention.
My journey into intentional living without social media has been transformative. The Digital Sabbath, the intentional deletion and use of tools, and the break during Lent weren't just pauses; they were deliberate choices to regain control.
As you read this, consider your own relationship with social media. Are you living with intention or caught in the compulsive cycle? I challenge you to experiment, to break free from the digital chains. Embrace the silence, rediscover genuine connections, and reclaim your time.
If I ever choose to get back on these platforms, I will be sure not to lose sight of what genuine connections feel like or allow a compulsion to creep back into my life. I will be aware of my attention and where I am devoting it to.
In the pursuit of intentional living, attention is devotion. Choose your devotions wisely.
📖 Reading
Kate Lindsay and Nick Catucci write
, the essential guide to what’s good on the internet. They nicely describe my new passivity towards social media: not wanting to engage and being used to it out of habit, not excitement.
“So now social media’s almost five billion users are not turning to talk to each other but each turning outward, shouting their skincare routines or restaurant recommendations or opinions into a void. We’re all just online for ourselves, which means there are fewer and fewer people to be the audience – to like, comment, or otherwise interact. As a result, our outward-facing posts are getting less engagement, and we’re less inclined to share them. We’re growing silent, lurking, sitting in these digital rooms out of habit, and not because we really want to be there.”
“my advice for all the other lurkers out there: Say hello to a neighbour next time you’re outside. It feels pretty great.” -Kai Brach, author of Dense Discovery
🎬 Watching
This satirical Black Mirror episode called Nose Dive showcases a hideous side of humanity that chases popularity, and people-pleasing at the cost of living out a truthful human existence. It makes my skin crawl. Social media can go so very wrong.
🎧 Listening
Solar Power by Lorde
Forget all of the tears that you've cried
It's over (over, over, over)
It's a new state of mind
Are you coming, my baby?Acid green, aquamarine
The girls are dancing in the sand
And I throw my cellular device in the water
Can you reach me? No, you can't (aha)
🌟Quote to inspire
“Attention is the beginning of devotion.” - Mary Oliver, Poet and lifelong spiritual seeker
📸Photos of the Week
Cheers to many first times this past week.
My first time swimming two miles in the ocean for an event to raise money for Maui Strong. No watches were allowed. I guessed that my time would be 1 hour and I was only 3 minutes shy. It was such a hoot!
My first time seeing a baby eagle ray. Then I also saw a dark red octopus and some sea turtle friends.
My first time ever shaving ice alongside Unce Clay himself in his House of Pure Aloha 😊. I’ve admittedly work for this company whose bread and butter offering is shave ice, and I finally know how to make it after working there for 1.5 years!
🙏Shoutouts
Thank you to everyone who helped me write this piece:
, , , Diana Soumi, Michael Shafer, Shanece Grant, Chikodi Chima, and Alivia Duran
I appreciate you reading this!
If ideas resonated, I’d love you to press the heart button, leave a comment, reply to this email, or reach me at vermetjl@gmail.com. If you forgot who I am, I welcome you to my online home.
Never stop learning 😁
Mahalo 🌺
Jen
PS - in case you missed last week’s 🌌 Mystical Musings under the Milky Way
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Great post. The thing about social media is simple: who is there, that is not trying to sell you something? And so, if that's why they're there, what is their spine truly shaped of?
Wow, loved this Jen. Such an important message. Struggle to manage my relationship with social media.
Amazing work :)