😄 Sharing Smiles & Lessons on Feeling Feelings
Learning to sit with emotions and share the ones that matter most (Letter 245)
This post is too long for email, so I recommend clicking the title to read it online.
Sawadee ka friend 👋
Greetings from Chiang Rai, Thailand 🇹🇭
It’s a beautiful day. I’m not wearing socks because it’s above 60 degrees. My toesies get to see the sun today. The birds are chirping. Gnats swarming in spiraling circles in the shadows of the tree, having an orgy. Floss was invented, so the mango fibers from breakfast aren’t in my teeth anymore. It’s a beautiful day.
I woke up to my watch telling me I scored a 95 last night on my sleep with nine nourishing hours. The café culture of Chiang Rai is thriving thanks to the paychecks Princess Chulabhorn Science High School gave me on the last weekday of the past two months. Today, I decided to drive west along the Kok River instead of my usual routes east toward town and landed on a spacious, hip, and calming café called Horizon.
Here’s a snapshot of my first spread:
Course number two with a sandwich!
A zebra-striped dove with a light blue face and a puffy chest sauntered by my feet. They, and their relatives of the spotted dove, myna, and chicken, are the birds whose songs woke me every day for three years in Honolulu. Doves remind me of my sister— their softness, curiously pecking at things, and compassion. Pigeons remind me of my pudgy cat Smudge for their sheer stupidity.
Anywho, I forgot to mention an embarrassing moment last week.
This moment inspired my poem that got me thinking about death. While warming my students back up to speaking English this year, I saw that one of them buzzed his head. I commented on it, congratulating him for daring to be different. Briefly after my student Dream whispered to me later that he did this to become a monk for his late mother over the holiday break. Rainy is a 17-year-old boy who just lost his mom. And here I am, an American thinking he’s trying to set a new trend to look brave by buzzing his hair during the cold winter season in Thailand. Ugh 🤦🏻♀️. It is safe to say when I see any Thai male with a buzzed head in the future, I’ll pay respects to their family rather than compliment them on their hair. Lesson learned. More lessons from my time in Thailand are to come. Isn’t public humiliation such a great way to learn??
Now, let’s dive into letter 245 from a learn-it-all. Enjoy!
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❓Question to think about
When do I act on my feelings?
This is inspired by a chat with my friend Carter Anne yesterday. There’s no right or wrong answer to this question. As this is my writing, I will share my perspective below.
🖊️Writing
“I am missing him, my ex. Doesn’t that mean I should do something about it?”
Not necessarily…
My friend Carter Anne and I naturally fall into the camp of initiators. We’d rather take action than sit in indecision. We notice something and immediately think, What can I do about this? In short, this is what it’s like to be a doer—and most of the time, I love this about us.
But being a doer has its shortcomings. Acting too quickly can mean reacting to thoughts in my head rather than connecting with my emotions.
The Struggle to Feel
As strange as it feels to admit this in my late twenties, I identify more as a thinker and doer than a feeler. And if you know me, you know I dread labels. They make me feel claustrophobic, boxed in, like I’m forced to choose one thing when I know I am many—cue my inner Tris from Divergent, rejecting the idea of being confined to one faction of society.
Still, I’ve noticed a gap in how I live life with less emotion, and I’ve been working on it. A few years ago, I shifted a simple question in my daily journaling practice. Instead of asking, What’s on my mind?, which takes me into a spiral of overthinking and thought roads that stretch into infinity, I now start my day with, How do I feel?
If I ever film a personal vlog, I start by naming three feelings I’m aware of at that moment. It’s my way of checking in with myself—of pausing to notice my fleeting emotional state before jumping into problem-solving mode.
Throughout the day, I continue this practice. If I notice a shift in my mood, I open Apple Notes, jot down the time, and describe what’s happening. It’s not perfect, but it helps me stay present with my feelings instead of running away from them.
Learning from the Regrets of the Dying
Palliative care worker Bronnie Ware wrote that one of the top regrets of the dying is, “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
This resonates deeply with me. But it also leads me to ask:
Do I want to share this emotion right now? Will my future self be grateful if I express it?
A Lesson in Joy
Last Thursday was Thai Teacher’s Day—a surprise day off I only learned about an hour before work ended the day before. I decided to celebrate with movement by waking up early for a sunrise run at the place quickly becoming my number one jogging destination: the Old Chiang Rai airport.
At mile five of ten, I ate a salted caramel energy gel. My body felt light and free, and I let out a howl of joy into the sky, unable to contain the energy coursing through me.
That’s when Chai appeared—a 78-year-old Thai man in basketball shorts and Hoka running shoes. “I’m cold,” he said. “Let’s go.”
We sprinted side by side for half a mile, panting in silence. Chai didn’t know much English, but thankfully, laughter is the same in every language. By the time we reached the end of the runway, he was laughing and said, “I am sixty more years than you.” I laughed too, and as he slowed down, I kept going for four more miles.
At mile ten, Chai insisted I join him and his friends for Oolong tea and a “mai ped” breakfast. Over oolong, fruit, and sticky rice with not spicy minced pork, I learned it was Chun’s 52nd birthday and that Choo, a retired social studies teacher, used to work at my school. He even knew my co-teacher, Kru Soi.
What struck me most that morning wasn’t the running or the conversations—it was the smiles. Every single person I passed, I smiled at. The woman limping in her walker with her husband. The husky dog walker. The toddler sprinting. The little boy playing badminton with his dad. Every single person smiled back. It was such a small thing, but it transformed the run into something bigger.
Sharing the Emotions That Matter
That morning reminded me of something important: joy is meant to be shared.
There are so many emotions we can connect with others on—frustration, envy, anger. But those aren’t the emotions I want as the foundation of my relationships. I want joy, curiosity, and gratitude to take center stage.
When I smiled at those strangers, I wasn’t just sharing my happiness—I was creating a moment of connection. And when I sat down with Chai and his friends, I wasn’t just eating breakfast—I was inviting them into my joy and my celebration of a new personal record after descending ten miles running in one hour and forty-two minutes.
When Feelings Don’t Require Action
Not all feelings need to be shared or acted on. Some are best felt, acknowledged, and released.
Take envy. It’s easy to write it off as ugly or petty. But what if it’s trying to tell you something? Maybe it’s pointing to something you value—something you want for yourself.
Anger can be a powerful motivator, but only if it’s directed with intention. And frustration? It’s often a sign that a boundary has been crossed or an expectation unmet.
The key is to pause. To ask yourself: What is this emotion really about? What is it showing me?
When Do I Act on an Emotion?
Just like how a business consultant answers any questions, “it depends.”
Sometimes, the best action is to take no action and weather it. Sometimes, the kindest thing I can do for myself is to feel it, write it down, and let it pass like a cloud in the sky.
Other times, the emotion is asking for something more. When that happens, I check in with three questions:
The Past: What have I learned from this feeling before? Did I act on it last time, and how did that turn out?
The Present: How does this emotion feel in my body right now? Am I reacting out of habit or intentionally?
The Future: Will my future self thank me for this?
Feelings Are Fleeting
Emotions are not forever. They ebb and flow like the green waves at Waikiki Beach, rising to their peak and breaking into whitewash. By remembering their transience, I can choose to act—or not—from a place of intention rather than urgency. I can respond rather than react.
Ultimately, how I respond to an emotion is my choice. And when I choose wisely, I’m not just honoring the feeling—I’m honoring the person I was, the person I am, and the person I am becoming.
📖Reading
I have a new self-imposed rule I’m trying out in January: only one movie max per week. And since I decided to watch We Live in Time, I chose not to watch Twilight last night.
My friend Kat loaned me her book by the late Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh called Peace is Every Breath. It has calligraphy in it, which was done by the man himself(!) Also, he lived to be 95, passing in 2022.
Even reading the dedication moved me so much that I want to move you guys too:
Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand-new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.
🎧Listening
Versions of Me by Sophia Joelle (I discovered this through this music video on Youtube)
Still breathing
May not be the same reasons
Pushing me to keep dreaming
The versions of me screaming through the glass
"Are we there yet?"
But we all want the same thing in the endIf I talked to future me
I'd tell her I'm still starving, but not how I used to be
And I'm not the sum of what I achieve
But I still show up everyday to make sure that we meetI hope she understands the missteps that I'll take
The lines I've drawn and crossed and lost along the way
Maybe she'll let me know it's not all in vain
Put her hands on my shoulders, say "you'll be okay"
🎬 Watching
We Live in Time (2024) created by A24. Movie trailer here.
Damn. I enjoyed this movie of pretty people in pretty places. Andrew Garfield’s smile. Florence Pugh’s intense portrayal of passion and sorrow.
This move captured beautiful snapshots of life next to a supportive partnership and family. I aspire for the candor and empathy modeled by this relationship. The balance of being present in spite of the distractions of the future.
This plot line of dealing with cancer makes me wonder whether life is more special because of how we know it's fleeting. Maybe being mortal is better and special than being immortal after all? Knowing that all humans have a ticking tock makes our choices more meaningful and when that ticking tock is sped up due to unforeseen suffering, each choice holds even more weight, and simultanouesly becomes instantly clear of what to do, no dithering necessary.
Here’s my Letterboxd review.
👩🏻🏫 Thai Teacher Updates
Some of my students really enjoyed writing and reading their Future Me Letters. My one student R even memorized his letter!
On Monday I found it striking how my one senior Punpun said that one thing he is proud of is that he never regrets anything. Then in my 8th grade class, my student Planin who is obsessed with Phaya Nak, a water serpent and draws it on stickie notes for me, says in her letter to 2050 she wishes there was a time traveling machine invented so she could change things from her past.
📋 Other noteworthy updates:
To sum up my teaching experience so far: I always feel out of the loop. Never in the know. I wore purple on Thursday but no one told me that purple is now the color for Tuesdays.
A new Thai roommate moved in last week. Her name mean baby chicken in English “gookai”
I bought my first Waikiki Beach t-shirt on the side of the road in Chiang Rai
Each night this past week I ate dinner at a new stall. Many times each dish ended up being pork balls with egg noodles but still at a new establishment each night. The standard price I pay for dinner is 50 baht.
Two more Thai teachers just moved into the foreign language department office, so now there are 14 teachers in my office. It’s quite stimulating. And so now when I am done with work I permit time to myself re-regulate my nervous system without music or talking to people. Sometimes a power nap.
🔍Word to define
Phaya Nak: a Thai term for a giant serpent or naga, which is believed to be the lord of all nagas
Nagas are considered to be the patrons of water and are said to live in caves or bodies of water.
🌟Quotes to inspire
Three quotes on joy because they’re all so good, and I’m a quote addict ;)
“Don't postpone joy until you have learned all of your lessons. Joy is your lesson.” — Alan Cohen
“Choose joy. Choose it like a child chooses the shoe to put on the right foot, the crayon to paint a sky. Choose it at first consciously, effortfully, pressing against the weight of a world heavy with reasons for sorrow, restless with need for action. Feel the sorrow, take the action, but keep pressing the weight of joy against it all, until it becomes mindless, automated, like gravity pulling the stream down its course; until it becomes an inner law of nature. If Viktor Frankl can exclaim ‘yes to life, in spite of everything!’ – and what an everything he lived through – then so can any one of us amid the rubble of our plans, so trifling by comparison. Joy is not a function of a life free of friction and frustration, but a function of focus – an inner elevation by the fulcrum of choice.” —Maria Popova (author of The Marginalian)
“As you think, so shall you become.” -Bruce Lee
📸Photos of the Week
🙏Shoutouts
To
whose piece Why I Love to Judge You prompted me to think more about the emotions I want to express more openlyTo
who wrote in Work in Progress that prompted me to think about shedding the outdated story that I am only a thinker of thoughts.To Cincy Scoop. I am inspired by this. It is a company that Sarah Jane Karshovski co-founded with her husband as a weekly email for people to stay informed about all the positive changes and good things happening in Cincinnati, Ohio.
to Katherine, Carter Anne, Mitch, Sara, Emily, Gookkai, Boom, and Dan for making me feel silly and/ or understood this past week.
I appreciate you reading this!
If ideas resonated, I’d love you to press the heart button, leave a comment, reply to this email, or reach me at vermetjl@gmail.com.
Keep on learning 😁
K̄ha bhuṇ ka 🌺 🌺
Jen
PS - in case you missed last week’s letter, I shared a mix of letters, poetry, and snapshots of life called 🥀 On Living, Dying & Writing to the Future
PPS- if you’d like to read my favorite letters, the best way to encourage my work is to buy my book on Amazon here.
If you’re reading this because someone shared this newsletter with you, welcome! I’d love it if you signed up:
thanks for the s/o Jen!