On not knowing future me

And some questions I can’t answer yet

“Do it for the Vine.”

I absolutely adored the app called “Vine”¹ because it gave me a reason to be goofy and connected me with friends in real life. In 2015, I vividly remember getting filmed going into a cafe in Luxembourg that said “world’s best cup of coffee” to try to personify Will Ferrell² from the movie Elf, congratulating the staff on their achievement. I got to express that online, but really, it allowed me to perform aliveness.

Flash forward about a decade later. I’m living in Hawaii after a quarter life crisis. I borrowed an orange-covered book from a friend of a friend in Chicago. This book was called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry³ by John Mark Comer. He elegantly sashayed the quote by Mary Oliver in there that “Attention is the beginning of devotion” and it rattled my bones as I journaled about my attention, and then therefore, my devotions. This lead me to took a year off from social media because I was devoting too much of my attention to platforms that felt mainly like I was trying to prove something. These platforms zapped me of my presence.

And then I read another book about The Power of Regret⁴ by Daniel Pink.

I realized that statistically speaking, I would be likely to regret my inactions in life rather than my actions. As the philosopher Seneca points out “we suffer more often in our imagination than reality “. And so I began to fear I would have too many regrets if I didn’t start taking action. And that I cared too often about how others perceived me.

What about how I perceive myself?

I used to think I wanted to live by minimizing regrets of the deathbed version of my future self. This would default me to saying yes to most invitations, crazy ideas, and dreams. But now I just don’t know. Is this decision-making framing really helping me? Is putting my attention onto potential regrets really how I want to live?

I’m not sure I know who my future self will be anymore. I recognize the evolutions of my being, which makes me unclear of what that next iteration will look like.

I’m also kind of in denial about the precious time in this one life goes so fast and then so slow and I want to do so much but I also want to slow down. It’s creating quite the conundrum for how I want to live. Like some sort of earthquake happening in slow motion without knowing where the rattling is coming from or how it started. It might be because I’m 30. And that the astrological event is happening where Saturn is passing its return to where it was when I was born. Or because I’m more isolated than usual in a new place with the sensation of a blank slate.

We as humans were blessed with big brains that know of our impending doom never coming out of life alive.

I grew up in a region of the world far enough from the equator that flowers would bloom only about half the year, leaves would change color reminding me of the decay of time, and the roads would get coated with white fluffy stuff that would turn to grey slush then ice. I thought that living somewhere with seasons again would be good for me. That my time anxiety would somehow melt away. That my sentimental tendencies around mourning the present moment would vanish.

But here we are.

I’m still left to my own devices.

I don’t think anybody can live this out but myself.

What I do know is that I want to keep trying new things. To create and express. I want to keep meeting new people. I don’t know if there will ever be a plane ride where I’ll sit down and not attempt at least a smile or make eye contact with the person next to me to spark up a chitchat. Because connection feels good. It feels right. Like we were born here to connect with each other.

And so I know how I like to live most of the time, though I’m hesitant about continuing to live solely by minimizing regrets.

A couple nights ago, I read on a Hinge bio that someone’s personal motto is: “I’d rather have questions that can’t be answered than answers that can’t be questioned.” I agree and I will continue to ask questions that cannot be answered like who is future me? How does she want me to live today? What does she value?

Today I’ve schlepped myself and bags to a bus to a train station and about to be in a car to set up a tent and touch some grass. Five days offline in the Dutch countryside with a bunch of friends I’ve yet to make. I’m going to stew and noodle over who future me is out there.

Until next week when I’m back online.

Keep on noodling,

Jen

PS - I wrote about my relationship with time last week. If you liked reading this, you’d probably enjoy reading that letter too.

PPS - This note is so resonant for me. Wow.

1. This video might help jog your memory.

2. If you’ve never watched this scene, early merry Christmas. :)

3. Here’s my notes on this beautiful book. My favorite book from 2023.

4. Here are some more book notes on regret that have some techniques too.