Not Every Sunset Means Goodbye

A guide to reconnect with the people you miss (before it becomes a regret)

The sower by Vincent Van Gogh (1888)

One of the five main regrets of the dying¹ is:

“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

It’s easy to let connections sunset. It happens quietly, almost without notice, until you realize the light is gone.

As for me, it happened quite suddenly. Four years ago, I moved 4,250 miles to Hawaiʻi — the most remote island chain on earth.

The physical distance rippled into every corner of my life — especially my family back in Michigan. Sometimes I feel self-centered for letting my adventurous side take the reins of this wonderful life. But that doesn’t mean I regret this decision. I would’ve been letting myself down if I never wandered the world.

So this leads me to now: my sister just turned 27, and I bawled my eyes out writing her a letter. One of the hardest parts of living abroad is being far from her. It feels like watching a movie on mute — I see it, but can’t feel it fully, and I keep wishing I could hear her voice.

I enjoy writing from personal experience and let you feel like you know me. But you never fully will — and that’s a good thing. To keep sharing for the long haul, some letters need to stay private. Instead…

I’m writing a guide about how to reconnect with someone you miss (before it becomes a regret).

Apart from miscommunication with a past roommate, my friendships don’t end with a bang but rather fade from neglect. Life becomes full of busy-ness and other business.

Friendships fizzle when no one notices the light dimming, like sitting outside too long and realizing only at dusk that the sun has slipped away. And managing adult relationships is tough. The CRM feels sloppy. Texts go out for calls that never get scheduled. No wonder there is a whole Craigslist page called “Missed Connections.”

I hope Donna Torres gets found (Craigslist for a good laugh)

It’s a universal feeling to grow away from someone. It happens subtly: the reunion ends, check-ins slip away like a balloon in the breeze, wedding photos appear with everyone but you. Someone even writes you a letter, stamps it, but never sends it. A year later, you ask, and they text you a photo of it instead. Sometimes you’d almost rather a conflict than this slow erasement.

These are the wounds of being forgotten.

They’re not sharp and sudden, but slow and lingering, like the last pink streaks of sunlight fading after the sun is gone. You stand in the dusk, watching the shadow of someone slip away, wondering if you could bring it back with a candle if you tried.

And then yesteryear trickles in, leaving a faint glimmer of what used to be. It’s not regret, but a nostalgic yearning for what you once shared and the ache of knowing it won’t ever return in quite the same way.

Living overseas the past year has forced me to see how fragile — and how strong — they can be. When I went about a year without social media, it definitely took a toll on my acquaintances. It’s not about blame when connections fade. But letters create a way back.

So what can you do when you feel this ache for someone you’ve grown apart from?

Here’s the process I used. And before starting, remember: even if they never write back, the act itself in writing is healing. The risk of rejection is worth it.

1. Summon Memories by strolling down memory lane:
   Pull out reminders of the person. Make an album of favorite photos, or if you don’t have many, gather images of places you went together, foods you shared, or songs from old road trips. Anything that pulls your past experiences together to the present moment. Fair warning: if you dig through old texts, emails, cards, or voice notes, time will evaporate.

2. Write about the Present:
   Start simple. “Dear ___.” Say how you feel in this moment. Are you happy, sad, or missing them? Where are you writing from? How did you come to think of them? Did you meet someone who reminded them of you? Did you see something online that reminded you of them? Did you finally read that book they recommended a decade ago? Did you go to a concert they would’ve loved or learn a cool fact on a walking tour they would’ve liked?

3. Write about the Past:
   Share a memory that still makes you smile (“I remember… that time I peed a little while watching the crabs on the beach” or “I still think about you when I watch the Lizzie McGuire movie”). Mention what you’ve learned from them (I learned… how to be a friend to others and myself because of how you loved me). Share the ways they shaped you (Thank you for showing me how to flirt with attractive fellas). If it feels right, name an apology for something that is weighing on you (I’m sorry I wasn’t more helpful about how to put tampons in, or when I was hangry and slammed the car door on your pinky). Ask about one of their passions (do you still dream about living on a horse ranch? About baking cakes in France?) When you write about these shared experiences, it affirms to them that they weren’t forgotten.

4. (Optional) Write about the Future:
   End your letter by planting a small seed. Share a wish for the future. Maybe it’s a call, a coffee over the holidays, planning a trip, or even exchanging more letters. Try posing the idea of co-creating a future mini-dream together, which can feel like a bridge to connection. Like a book swap or a postcard exchange when on vacation. It doesn’t have to be big.

5. (Optional) Final Close with No Pressure:
   Let them know there’s no pressure to respond. Radio silence is okay. This is only an open invitation. Reinforce that it’s a choice to reconnect, not an obligation. If it feels right, include your contact information so the door is easy to walk through.

6. (Optional) Delivery:
   Note 1: You don’t have to send it. Not every relationship needs to rekindle. You can keep the letter for yourself.
   Note 2: But if you want to mail it and don’t have their post address, reach out to a mutual friend who might. Or maybe try the Yellow Pages or Google their business address. If mail is a no-go, record a video or voice note reading the letter. A texted picture would suffice, though it’s not as powerful.
   Note 3: It can be a less awkward time to send it around their birthday, at the start of the new year, or some random holiday like National Friendship Day, but take a chance when inspiration strikes. You never know what could happen. <3

If there’s any shame worth carrying, it’s not in being ghosted, but in never taking the initiative.

Sending letters is a little reminder that you exist, that you still care, that you’re open to reconnection even if the answer is silence.

good ol’ Charlie Brown

I know this whole letter-writing thing works because I’ve experienced it.

Half a decade ago, I wrote to my high school best friend. A year later, I stood beside her as a bridesmaid at her wedding. When I saw her apartment, she still had the scrap of notebook paper from my letter on her nightstand. Now, when I see a Saab or a Sunfish boat or Lana Del Ray, I feel more open to sending her a little note.

In 2019, I met one of my first true Internet friends in New York City. The day after I met him, we got lunch again, and I gifted him the letter I wrote him the night prior when the city's insomnia passed onto me. I later saw that letter glued into his scrapbook on a video call years later.

The words I share matter. Even if the paper gets tossed, the gesture leaves an imprint.

That’s the beautiful thing about being a human being. We can forgive for the time that slipped away. Because a life lived with more intentional connection is more beautiful.

When everything else fades, it’s love and relationships that remain.

The simple act of writing a letter is like a gentle tap on the shoulder that says:

'I remember you. You mattered. You still do.’

So learn from the regrets of the dying: heal your wounds of being forgotten, like the last light after the sun has slipped away.

Not every sunset means goodbye. Sometimes it’s a mere pause before a new dawn.

~~~

❓Question to think about

Who will you write a letter to reconnect with or heal a lost connection?

~~~

Hallo fellow learn-it-all 👋 Greetings from Almere, Netherlands. Now, let’s dive into the rest of letter 279 from a learn-it-all. Enjoy!

💫 Some wins from my week

1. An actual human (not just an AI bot) attended my writing circle! Thank you, Melissa! If you want to sign up to join to write on Wednesdays from 10-11:30CEST, you can sign up here: https://tally.so/r/3lxQoV

2. Thanks to a friend of a friend, I found somewhere to live in Amsterdam until October 20. 🙌

3. Joined a month-long meditation course in person in Amsterdam. This is some much-needed sangha community to practice with who also know English and appreciate silence (unlike in what I found in Thailand).

4. Went to a yoga class for the first time since Thailand and practiced with others

5. Met a lovely woman named Hanneke at the train stop yesterday who wants to collaborate with me on offering self-publishing services to other writers. This is my invitation to not look at your phone in public places because it invites connection to new faces. :)

6. Restarted up my podcast that I started in Thailand pre-dengue fever in May to interview a Dutch Tilburg friend I met in Thai massage school

📖Reading

I read a piece by fellow Substack writer

Katharina

called Why We Avoid the Things that Make Us the Happiest.

I loved reading it so much that it moved me to do my own Passion Test. Here’s more on it:

One night, I was sitting on the couch at a friend’s place, well past midnight, after a night out. Around 2 a.m., when conversations take on a kind of honesty that daylight rarely allows, she asked me why I was so unhappy. Then she suggested we do the Passion Test together. The Passion Test is a simple exercise that helps you identify what truly matters most in your life. You start by listing everything that excites or inspires you, then prioritize those items to clarify which passions are most important and meaningful to you.

🎬 Watching

I binge-watched all three seasons of “The Summer I Turned Pretty” over the weekend, per a raving review from my new friend

Melissa Gosselin

. I lost too much sleep over it. It was a weird way of self-sabotaging my sleep schedule I set in last week’s “In & Out list”. And it’s not the most energetic self-soothing routine. Alas, I live and I learn. It’s a pretty cheesy show about a teenager who starts to bloom, and two brothers who are also her best friends fall for her. Needless to say, I miss being around my best friends, so this show felt like an escape into a different life.

🎧Listening

Water Flow by Klyne

The drum at the beginning of this song just really invites me to move.

We will go to the ocean
And we'll find love on the other side
And I'll take all our chances
Just as long as we're together
We can set sail to the night

🔍Word to define

Pluk de dag: Seize the day in Dutch

🌟Quote to inspire

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw

🎞️ For the birthday girl

My sweet sweet peanut. I miss you.

The longing makes me leak.

📸Photos of the Week

1. dancing with Pablo Picatso to the above song I have been listening to

2. Pablo posing by the flower pots

3. Cheesing because music and dancing makes me happy

4. Pablo is a little tiger in the wild

5. some freshly harvested vegetables

6. the above vegetables turned into my lunch

7. the bike lane I’ve been running in. I dropped off running often since cold weather transitions have been making the great outdoors less inviting

8. the favorite aisle of the grocery store

9. the full moon was bodaciously beautiful

🙏Shoutouts

• to

  Melissa Menke
  for encouraging me on to share about my letter writing process for mending missed connections

• To

  Camilo Moreno-Salamanca
  for inspiring me to use footnotes for the first time, even if I could only add one since this letter is maxxing out all of Substack abilities.

---

I am grateful you chose to fill part of your day here.

If something in this letter resonated, press the ❤️ , leave a comment, reply to this email, or reach me at vermetJL@gmail.com. I love hearing from you.

Keep on learning 😁

Tot snel 🌺 🌺

Toodles :)

Jen

P.S. I coach writers. I guide them to find their voice, build a writing rhythm, and have fun hitting “publish.” Let’s chat.

P.P.S. You’re invited. If a friend forwarded you this, welcome.

P.P.P.S. I wrote a book. Letters to My Life is my favorite way to share my writing with you (and it keeps your screen-time stats down). Grab your copy here.

P.P.P.P.S. Here’s what you missed. Last week I wrote and recorded this Letter to August from Amsterdam.

1. The regrets of the dying. I pull these out often when ever I want to check in on if I’m living a life in alignment with what older Jen would want.