I paid €39 for this

and I’m trying to be okay with my finger in the frame

Hello fellow learn-it-all 👋

Greetings from Amsterdam. I’m sitting on a park bench in Oosterpark watching the Dutch ducks waddle and wiggle their green bums and the stark black meerkoots chase each other on top of the water, the chase that takes place of furthering their species. I count the seconds the cormorant holds her breath while fishing underwater. The sun feels soft and warm on my skin.

I feel a flow state of ease after spilling my guts over a big mug of cappuccino with my friend in a jazzy cafe. I finally feel ready to type up this draft without the allure of the internet or the aid of tools like Claude or Grammarly. This letters feels a bit confessional. Feel free to unsub at the bottom of this email if you’re looking for perfection in your inbox, because that’s not this publication. I refrained from using the aforementioned tools to produce this letter apart from my little ol’ faulty walnut.

Now, let’s dive into letter 310 from a learn-it-all. Enjoy!

~~~

I want to give myself permission to be more human.

What does that mean?

To be more imperfect. To be messy. To not make sense.

I’ll start with these:

After buying a €11 USB stick from the Hema, waiting nine days, and walking back to the local film store to pick up the digital files that I paid €28 for, I received these film photos. So, in total, I paid €39 (or ~ $46).

But the highest cost wasn’t the euros but the frustration that glared back at me once I realized the captured frames were among the worst photos I’d ever taken.

Why?

Because somehow my finger was in over a third of the frame of these special moments I captured. Having a film camera is such a romantic feeling until realizing that for three months I’ve been capturing special moments in New York City, Michigan, and Florida, and without knowing my finger was over the lens.

I’m not sure the next time I’ll be in South Florida and see a tall white egret with skinny little stick legs. Or will be walking down a beach with my cousin Matthew and sister. Or meditate at the temple of the Universe with Michael Singer. Or see snowbanks on the streets of Manhattan. Or watch a girl mosey down the beach with her nose in a book.

But here are all my flaws for all the world¹ to see:

I am such a dweeb. My photography teacher who showed me how to use a film camera and develop it 13 years ago in high school, might be insulted by my digression as a photographer. Ms. Zoufal would retract the A she gave me.

But I can’t cover it up. I am imperfect and flawed.

Usually, I try to let go of my flaws. That would include these awful shots I took, but instead, I’m highlighting them. There’s something about this film roll and how these one-hit wonders are forcing me to look at my relationship with myself being so serious all the time, (besides the point of my hobby’s most expensive film development). Producing this camera roll is something an AI tool would never create for me.

SoMeThInG tHaT fEeLs PlAyFuL LiKe TyPiNg In A pLaYfUl MaNnEr ThAt MiGhT gEt LoSt.

The scarcity of the shots on the film makes it feel special, and yet, I usually cancel these buggers before they ever leave the floppy disc onto my computer.

But I don’t want to lose the play. I don’t want to forget about the flaws. What is learning without flaws and some big ol’ belly flops?

Now onto a ~meta theme~ with shame that’s stirring in my spirit:

Lately, these letters haven’t been flowing.

Be it the pressure of my success of my Dutch dream materializing, or my new job that requires more screentime, or feeling like a slight failure that I’ve been planting seeds every doggon week for six years online risking embarrassment and someday expecting that all these seeds would transform from some lively tulip patch full of color and life into a niche big strong oak tree that this publication is known for. But what these letters are, really, is mere snippets that bring delight to my days through creations that feel worth remembering.

Usually, I push away the flaws by spraying pesticides on the weeds that sprout from the seeds in my garden of ideas. I’d scorch them while they’re still too ugly, like these film shots with my finger in the frame.

But weeds can be kinda pretty too, right?

In third grade, Pilar, Luiza, and me rued the day when the lawnmower would plow down the dandelions in the school yards each week, because then we wouldn’t have any flowers to play with and weave into our braids at recess.

Are the weeds really all that bad? What makes a weed a weed anyway?

So I’m granting myself permission to share weeds. Albeit, even the shots with my finger covering the frame. Not all the time. But hopefully this letter will remind future me that it can be valuable to share even the blemished, boring, and bland bits.

Because that’s what being human is all about.

And this writing isn’t some short game I’m playing for fame.

And because that high bar I set for myself is bogus.

And I want to stop feeling like I’m a mouse stuck in a trap chasing cheese, where striving for excellence no longer feels fun.

Because life’s too short not to have fun.

🎧Listening

Some atmospheric folk music for your eardrums. This fresh rendition drop is inspired by news of David Roback’s death in 2020, the founding member of the alternative rock band Mazzy Star, who first recorded the song in 1993:

Fade Into You by Gregory Alan Isakov and Sylvan Esso

Fade Into You original by Mazzy Star:

🔍Word to define

Human

Ten highlights pulled from Wikipedia (with some JV notes as sub-bullets):

1. Homo sapiens means “thinking man” or “wise man”

   1. Ah yes we have thoughts. The amount of self-proclaimed “overthinkers” is ever-growing

2. Curiosity is hardwired into humanity. It’s what drove the development of science, philosophy, religion, and art

   • Beautiful.

3. Humans are the most widespread primate on Earth

   • Pulse check on the population of our sepcies from this World Population Density Map in 2020 (link)

JV Note: Netherlands is looking high up there with it’s dark redness

4. Have a uniquely large prefrontal cortex — the seat of higher thinking, imagination, and self-awareness

   1. Sometimes a gift and sometimes a curse to be a brainiac instead of being as happy as a clam with a walnut brain like a cat.

5. Humans are one of the only species capable of introspection and forming views on their own existence

   1. I can’t imagine being me without introspection

6. Language, art, and trade are considered defining human characteristics

7. Long-distance trade routes may have sparked cultural explosions that gave humans an edge over similar species

   1. who knew culture and something as practical as trade would give our species an edge!?!

8. Humans are highly social and tend to organise into complex, overlapping groups thorugh families, communities, states

9. We’ve been cooking food with fire since Homo erectus — one of our oldest technologies

   1. damn I love fire, perhaps it’s time to become a pyromaniac again with bonfire season this summer?)

10. Childbirth is genuinely dangerous for humans compared to most mammals, and our babies are helpless at birth longer than almost any other species

    • God warned Eve after the Fall from picking the garden’s forbidden apple in Genesis 3:16: “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth; in pain you shall bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

🌟Quote to Inspire

“If you are looking for a friend who is faultless, you will be friendless.” — Rumi

🎞️ Some Less Flawed Film

from Jan- March 2026

🙏Shoutouts

• to Nathalie Cohen for being the friend who gave me some courage to share a messier, more human piece of writing

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I am grateful you chose to fill part of your day here.

If something in this letter resonated, press the ❤️ , leave a comment, reply to this email, or reach me at vermetJL@gmail.com. I love hearing from you.

Keep on learning 😁

Tot snel 🌺 🌺

Toodles :)

Jen

P.S. #1 - I coach writers. I guide them to build a writing practice and have fun hitting “publish.” Let’s chat.

P.S. #2 - I wrote a book. Letters to My Life is my favorite way to share my writing with you (and it keeps your screen-time stats down). Grab your copy here.

P.S. #3 - Here’s what you missed. Last week I wrote about the marvels of March.

And finally, the note that inspired this letter:

1. or my ~700 readers who read this that feel like my writing world