Dear Younger Me

What I'd tell fifteen-year-old Jen on friendship, love, and taking the winding road

Hello fellow learn-it-all 👋 Greetings from Detroit, Michigan. I just turned 30 on February 15th. If you’d like to gift me a present, I’d love it if you took 2 minutes to fill out this short survey to guide the direction of my publication.

This is a longer piece that's been cut off in your email. Open it online in a browser for the full experience. Now, let’s dive into letter 302 from a learn-it-all. Enjoy!

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February 18, 2026

Dear fifteen-year-old lil Jen,

It’s been a few days now since I turned thirty. I am shook that I am now twice your age. Thank you for trying your best to get me to where I am today. I know puberty and pimples and headgear and braces and unrequited crushes all sucked.

I was way too hard on you when I was younger. And for that, I’m sorry.

I wish I could give you a big hug and we could cuddle up and cry and giggle together, spooning out a half-gal of Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip while watching Jennifer Gardner in “Thirteen Going on Thirty” retrace her life’s steps after noticing her regrets of trying so desperately hard to fit in instead of staying original. Thankfully, this Jennifer doesn’t feel that way.

Believe it or not, we actually read for fun now. In one of our most-read books The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them, the psychologist Dr. Meg Jay stopped me cold tonight while rereading:

“Because our twenties are the capstone of this last critical period [of the human biology neural network growth spurt], they are, as one neurologist said, a time of ‘great risk and great opportunity.’ The post-twentysomething brain is still plastic, of course, but the opportunity is that never again in our lifetime will the brain offer up countless new connections and see what we make of them. Never again will we be so quick to learn new things. Never again will it be so easy to become the people we hope to be. The risk is that we may not act now.” (141)

A part of me panics when I wonder whether I’ve made the most of my twenties. At thirty, I wouldn’t say my life is settled. But writing this has given me some breathing room to recognize that we have indeed learned a lot and even evolved in ways that would surely surprise you.

graphic found via this book review

I’m not God or anything and still have boatloads to learn, but here’s what I wish I knew when I was your age.

The following thirty lessons fall into five themes that I’ve since learned about:

(1) self-acceptance
(2) friendships
(3) present moment
(4) dating
(5) learning:

Here goes:

Self-Acceptance

Much of the experience I recall for you as a fifteen-year-old was feeling embarrassed and confused about what was normal. And what “should” be happening. Here are seven things I’ve learned when it comes to self-acceptance:

1. Use envy as a compass. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Rather, it shows you what you yearn for, allowing you to delve deeper into yourself to see whether those are truly things you want to pursue. At the beginning of my twenties, I always wanted to be traveling and even told my dad, “airports are my happy place,” but now I more so pity the people who are always in airports, dealing with layovers, spasming necks, and jet lag.

2. When you notice a weakness, flip it on its head. Like your slow reading ability, see it as an invitation to embrace it as a strength, especially in the rushed modern world we live in. Maybe you won’t read 52 books a year, but you will read one book and be intimately familiar with its ideas.

3. Rest. Your mere existence is enough. Asking “what did you do today?” isn’t the best question for every day. If it was not a productive day, that is okay. There are seasons, and your worth as a human being is not based on utility or productivity. Resting does not mean that you are quitting.

   

4. Your sensitivity is a superpower. Even if, most days, you wish you had tougher skin and wouldn’t cry with a quivering lip when receiving less-than-stellar grades in honors Geometry, being sensitive has other benefits. You notice many things and are receptive to the vibes in the room. Being attuned in ways others miss will be a useful skill in many future events.

5. The fear will keep being there, so speak up anyway. Being shy and afraid to speak up is okay. Courage is about noticing the fear and taking action anyway. Your future self will feel more connected if you open your mouth and express. It is a balance of both. If you really don’t know how to add to a conversation, you can ask a question to connect as well if a story doesn’t stumble out.

6. Love flows more easily into you from others when you love yourself. When someone compliments your vibe or outfit, instead of deflecting it, say “thank you.” Better yet, writing your future self letters each birthday has been a beautiful practice. The umteen times of reading Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way has gotten to you, and having rituals like tea time and journaling, show that you respect your mental health enough to slow down and love yourself. Love is about what you give more so than what you receive.

7. Speak to yourself as your best friend would. You don’t need to pretend to be something you’re not. You might’ve heard to “fake it till you make it”, but faking it is not true to you. There are people who will love you just as you are. Being original is more genuine than trying to keep blending in. So don’t be ashamed of those pink skinny jeans from PacSun or those rainbow Uggs. Lean into your quirks because like Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Present Moment

I know you’re someone who’s grown to be more frontal-lobey with making plans, so you’d be surprised to realize that so much of life has come from being in touch with the here and now. Here’s siz lessons on the present moment:

8. Build a life you don’t need to escape from. Vacations are fun, but there’s something more rewarding about truly immersing yourself in a place without a schedule with presence and spaciousness. Seth Godin wrote, “Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” That stuck with me. I used to be a weekend warrior, always counting down to the next trip. But that identity no longer served me. I want you to build a life where travel and adventure and exploration are woven in rather than a destination you have to flee toward.

9. Prioritize things your body might not let you do later. I don’t always use my vacation days to relax. When I was 26, 27, and 28, I used them to go off-grid on a volcano doing intensive silent spiritual practices, finding my edge and sitting with discomfort. That’s not everyone’s idea of a holiday, but it was mine. Money can always be made back. Time and youth and physical ability cannot.

10. Look in the rearview mirror each month. It’s easy to fixate on how far you still have to go, but you rarely stop to see how far you’ve already come. That’s where my practice of monthly reflections has been comforting. You can be both grateful for where you are and still be developing. The grass will feel greener on the other side. It usually does. But someone standing on that shinier grass might be drooling over your lawn, so keep watering it.

11. Take a walk. You will never regret it. There’s something about moving your body without a destination that loosens thoughts you didn’t know were stuck, like the best ideas that come in the shower, except you’re outside. Leave your phone behind too.

12. Have multiple dreams rather than just one. Getting into that dreamy state school or dream management consulting job might be overrated anyway. They won’t make or break your life. You’ll adapt. What matters is that you’re the only one who will fight for your dreams, so fight for them. Everything else is a data point.There is a divine timing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Believe that goodness is on its way, even if that seems delusional.

13. You won’t find certainty in life, so find it in yourself instead. When your head, heart, and gut all point in the same direction, follow it. Three days ago, I decided to go out the door the day after turning thirty to run an experiment and see how far I could jalk. We traversed thirty kilometers. I didn’t know I could until we did.

    

Friendships

There are animals in life, like leopards, who prefer to be isolated rather than with others. Then there are the ones on the other side of the spectrum, like elephants that grieve losses and move together as a pack through life. We are definitely more like elephants than leopards. Connection with others has been a through line throughout my life. It’s the source of much of my inspiration, joy, and curiosity. Here are seven things I’ve learned about friendship:

14. Quality over quantity. I made a fast friend while doing yoga in a park in Pai, Thailand last year. Over a couple months, we meditated with a monk in the mountains, did some more yoga, hiked to a waterfall and made more friends at a festival together when they begged me to lead them in a letter writing workshop. This one friend opened the door to expressing my true self that I had lost. It just took one hello to someone in a park and a chat over a matcha and some Marcus Aurelius quotes.

15. Friends will come and go, and that is okay. It is not personal. Seasons shift. This makes room for new friends and doesn’t make you disloyal or mean somethings wrong with you. It takes two to tango, and if they aren’t responding, you can forgive and move on. Holding a grudge or an open loop is like a boulder on your back. Set down the rock, knowing you showed up, and that’s what matters. Forming friendships over shared interests or sports or hobbies is great. But bonding over similar values forms an even stronger connection that’s less likely to dissolve.

16. Lead with vulnerability. I went to a funeral for a neighbor I barely knew a few months ago. I didn’t think I’d know anyone there, but I saw someone who knew someone that I dated in high school. I felt awkward with shallow expectations of the encounter and what would come when I’d ask “Did you have a happy and healthy year?” Instead of saying “ya” they said something along the lines of, no not really, it was pretty tough from getting my heart broken in two losing my job, but I wrote a book about it to heal. Maybe it was the environment of being at such a grim event, or I don’t know what, but I was shocked. The vulnerability made me feel safe expressing how my year also wasn’t all sunshine and daisies either. It felt like refreshing authentic connection. Vulnerability is a way to cut through the noise to see if someone else is willing to open up more beneath the surface. If you don’t cut someone’s sentence off while sharing a story, listen, and follow up later, you might just have made a new friend.

17. Leading doesn’t have to be scary. Just like how I used to enjoy leading the lane in swim practice, planning a meetup is merely an invitation for others to join and follow your lead. If you invite someone to an activity you want to do anyway, like going to a museum, the no-show doesn’t phase you after a string of rejections.

18. Joy multiplies when shared. Don’t feel like you have to hide your happiness. If you are feeling good, then let it be known, like our fluffy dog Paisley wagging her tail. When a colleague asked me how I was doing after a month living in Hawaii, I wasn’t sure how to respond. While tempted to be vanilla and say ‘good’, instead, I shared how I’ve been waking up smiling every day. I couldn’t wait to open my eyes every morning and spend time with the students. She said in return, “so you are happy?!” Emphatically YES. I was happy. This was the first time I can recall ever telling someone I was happy in return to a question about my well-being. That’s a huge win for me since I used to be afraid of coming off as gloating, but I don’t want to lie about my feelings. That goes against my value of being honest. Feelings are meant to be felt and they move quickly. Emotional expression is one of the joys of life.

19. Go 3D. The internet is a great place to find your people, so use it. If there’s an invitation or you happen to be in a new place, let it be known and shine the bulbs from your lighthouse. Don’t let connections stay two-dimensional if they don’t have to. Meeting in person allows you to notice body language and so much more, like whether someone is truly kind. Take the leap when you can. You’ve traveled across the world to San Francisco, Denver, Philly, Singapore, LA, Koh Samui, London, Columbus, and NYC to meet internet friends, and it’s always been worth it.

20. Be the friend you wish you had. People in your inner circle could always use more encouragement so be that friend. It’s not a heavy lift to end on a high note or send an uplifting song or photo. Better yet, mail some snail mail if they have a mailing address.

    

Romance

You won’t start dating just yet for a couple years. It will be sprung on you and leave you confused since it’s never been an A1 priority like your boy-crazy friends. Only just in recent years have some things crystallized in this department, and my biggest takeaway is that all the aforementioned tips on friendship apply here as well we realizing both romantic and platonic relations require you to be open to connection. Here are five lessons on pursuing that romantic connection:

21. You don’t need adult beverages to have fun or have a boyfriend. Alcohol can be fun sometimes, but feeling things without numbing or consuming a depressant is fun too. Fun is up to you to define, not society or a man. (and I recommend against sharing feelings while blotto, even if that is the only time you feel courageous enough to do so.)

22. Confrontation doesn’t have to be emotional. It can be in a matter-of-fact tone and without anger. It might still be sad after the fact, but lean into those Dutch roots of being direct rather than what Thai tend to do of beating around the bush and saving face.

23. Don’t ghost. There’s no need to put out bad karma. This was learned the hard way when I thought a date died when he texted me he was almost to my house for a second date, and then never showed and blocked my number. Sending a simple text is really not that hard. It does the other person such a service. Have a template in your notes. I’ve used one similar to behavioral scientist Logan Ury like this, “Hey [name], it was great meeting you, but I don’t think we’re a romantic match. Wishing you the best of luck.”

24. Embrace your biology. What does that mean? When you start to date someone, give them a good sniff. Your nose knows. No need to be bashful. You can’t force attraction, so be shameless. If they’re soaked in cologne, they might be masking something. And not just their natural scent.

25. Don’t take rejection personally. Detach incompatibility from rejection. It could be the wrong timing. It’s much better to invite someone to join you than to fret and feel regretful that you could’ve asked the question.

    

Learning

I’ve branded myself with a weekly publication for the past six years on the Internet as a “learn-it-all”. Not because we are super learners, but as an invitation to constantly remind ourselves that everything in life can be a lesson (and as a spin off from the first book I wrote). Much of learning comes from reflecting on experiences rather than proving oneself a know-it-all on some pedestal, without a beginner’s mind. So here’s five lessons on learning Miss. Learn-it-all:

26. Remember to unplug from your cellphone. Don’t get too addicted to tiny wings now that you’ve had your iPhone for about a year. Doing things in real life is also great. Some of my favorite times have been out sailing in Canadian waters without reception or leaving my phone at home for a backpacking meditation retreat or on a thinkweekend. A full-bodied experience. Use technology rather than letting it use you (and your attention).

27. Follow the rabbit holes. Even if school makes things boring being told what to do, make the effort to see what you’re curious about. Be it jewelry, sailing, or croque-monsieur sandwiches. Being inspired doesn’t need to be a scarce feeling that’s hard to reach. It can be easily accessible by leaning in or zooming out. It’s about perspective from the obvious. Keep exploring. The rest of your life, you can still tinker and take the electives you never got to in high school. Life is along walk of learning new things.

28. The process of how get your grades and outcomes matters more. If you felt joy and play while learning, you are much more likely to stick with it, like using colored pens or that music video and songwriting project for Honor Freshman English.

29. Learn to enjoy your own company. When I felt rejected when trying to make social plans while living in Chiang Rai, Thailand, I picked up my uke, and starting singing to Elvis Presley and sad Finneas songs. Doing something alone does not mean that you are lonely. Starting a hobby that feels okay to do by yourself, and teaches you how to enjoy your own company.

30. There is no right path. There is only the way you can make the best for yourself. When I went out on a limb and booked my flight to Hawaii five years ago, it felt crazy. When I got on a one-way flight to Thailand two years ago, that felt even crazier. Every choice that is made can be crafted in a way that makes complete sense, even if in the moment it seems imperfect and insensible.

    

And yet, if I’m being honest with you, fifteen-year-old Jen, I don’t actually want you to read this.

Not because these lessons aren’t true, but because they were never really mine to hand you. Every single one of them was earned the hard way, on the winding road, through the cringe and the awkward silences and the friendships that quietly dissolved and the rejections that stung more than they should have. If you had this letter in your hands at fifteen, you’d arrive at thirty as someone different. Someone who skipped the very experiences that made these lessons mean something.

So instead, let me just tell you what the long way around looked like.

You competed in and even co-created triathlons with friends. You scuba dived with an octopus in Indonesia, biked across Holland, and lived a thirty-minute walk from the best surf break in Hawaii for three years. You coached kids how to sail. You went on countless meditation retreats. You wrote three books, one of which became an Amazon bestseller. You were voted most memorable in high school despite friendships feeling impossible. You graduated from college with dyslexia. You’re still friends with Miranda, who told you at your birthday brunch that you make her feel more fearless. And two days ago, you walked thirty kilometers just because you could.

There are no shortcuts. And honestly, thank goodness for that.

So consider this letter less of a guide and more of a celebration. It’s proof that the long way around was worth it.

I love you LJ <3

Keep on learning,

Present-day 30-year-old Jen

If this letter resonated…

I’ve been writing one of these every birthday since I turned twenty-five. Each one is a snapshot of where I was and what I was learning: from losing my job at twenty-five and reinventing myself, to figuring out surfing and loneliness in Hawaii at twenty-six, to letting go of having life figured out at twenty-seven, to learning that acceptance is the doorway to love at twenty-eight, to sailing metaphors and mountain festivals at twenty-nine. They’re all here if you want to follow the winding road back:

• 25: On reinvention, risk, and rewriting your story

• 26: On surfing, loneliness, and learning what happiness actually feels like

• 27: On not having life figured out — and why that’s okay

• 28: On acceptance, love, and the company you keep

• 29: Notes to myself from somewhere off the grid in Thailand

And at the very bottom of this letter I put each of my 30 lessons into a question format to make them feel more evergreen and useful for you (and for me).

…now onto some other nuggets :)

📜🖋 Poetry Corner

The Way It Is

by William Stafford

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

Found via this beautifully articulate letter of respectfully leaving Anthropic to pursue other priorities.

🎧Listening

Once A Lifetime by FINNEAS

It’s family and friends, and that’s the truth
The fountain doesn’t give you back your youth
It’s staying up too late at night and laughing under kitchen lights
So hard you start to cry

Don’t waste the time you have waiting for time to pass
It’s only a lifetime
That’s not long enough
You’re not gonna like it without any love
So don’t waste it

Such a beautiful song. Makes me tear up. I recently resurfaced the voice note of me playing this on my uke about a year ago and singing to it. I’d love to learn it on piano.

🔍Word to define

Jalk: A combination of light jogging and walking, often used as a form of interval training.

Benefits: It provides an increased heart rate, releases endorphins, and allows for socializing while exercising, all while reducing the risk of pain or injury compared to running.

Technique: It mimics the foot strike of running but with reduced impact, acting as a bridge between walking and running.

🌟Quote to inspire

“Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.”— Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist

📸Photos of the Week

Fondue is always a good idea. So is brunch

🙏Shoutouts

• to friends and family who make me life so beautiful <3

• To Ray Liu and Hannah for their inputs on getting me to cross the finish line on this :)

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I am grateful you chose to fill part of your day here.

If something in this letter resonated, press the ❤️ , leave a comment, reply to this email, or reach me at vermetJL@gmail.com. I love hearing from you.

Keep on learning 😁

Tot snel 🌺 🌺

Toodles :)

Jen

PS - if you missed last week, I wrote about ripples of inspiration and how they come back to you later on.

PPS - I much prefer questions over commanding advice so to make this piece more evergreen for myself, I’ve added these questions from each of the 30 lessons:

These prompts turned into questions

Self-Acceptance

1. What is your envy telling you that you actually want?

2. What weakness of yours could secretly be a superpower?

3. If your existence alone is enough, what pressure can you release today?

4. Where is your sensitivity picking up on something others are missing?

5. Would your best friend talk to you the way you talk to yourself?

6. What would you do today if the fear came with you anyway?

7. What would you stop hiding if you knew people would love you for it?

Friendships

8. Who in your life could use a little encouragement today?

9. What friend has given you a lot today?

10. Which friendship might be seasonal, and are you holding on too tight?

11. Are you listening to connect, or waiting to respond?

12. What’s one thing you could plan and invite others into this week?

13. What joy could you share with others?

14. Who have you only met online that you could go 3D with?

Present Moment

15. How could you build a life you like staying in rather than planning a vacation?

16. What do you want to do while your body still can?

17. Where are you looking at the greener grass instead of your own?

18. When did you last take a walk with nowhere to be?

19. How many dreams are you holding, and who’s advocating for them?

20. Where do your head, heart, and gut all agree?

Romance

21. Where are you numbing something that could be felt instead?

22. What hard conversation have you been avoiding that could be matter-of-fact?

23. What rejection could you see as incompatibility?

24. What text could you send someone to close a loop?

25. What is your body telling you about this person that your brain is overriding?

Learning

26. Is your phone using you, or are you using it?

27. What rabbit hole have you been ignoring that’s actually calling you?

28. How could you enjoying the process, instead of white-knuckling toward the outcome?

29. What do you actually enjoy doing alone?

30. If there’s no right path, which direction feels most like you?