🎊 28 Lessons from 28 Years

Reminders to myself worth remembering (Letter 198)

If you’d like to tune in to listen to me sharing my lessons verbally:

This past year, I’ve been learning about acceptance and love as the doorway to finding peace and contentment. It's still something I am not the master of, but feel like I am getting closer to finding what life is about by being courageous and making connections. Acceptance is the avenue to loving people. And if I live a life full of love, then that's a life well lived.

Below are my 28 lessons from 28 years on this spinning blue and green dot. I’ve bucketed them into three categories: on my relationship with myself, on the company I keep, and on life.

got lei’d several times at Fort Derussy for my beach bash. Photo taken by none other then miss Emily

On my relationship with myself

1. I am many things. 

After seeing my internal family systems (IFS) therapist for six months this past year, I discovered many parts of myself. Sometimes, they are at war. Most times actually. I love to gallivant barefoot with my toes in the grass, be goofy, and hum to Miley Cyrus. I’m an “old soul” who can also listen to the nothingness of spotted doves cooing all morning. It's okay for me to express and give life to different parts of myself. It's a miracle that Zen Jen, the party animal Jenny V, and the adventurer J-fer can exist in the same being. We are complex beings with many dimensions.

2. Excitement is energy moving through me. 

While packing my suitcase for my three-week Southeast Asian trip, I felt exhilarated. But it might be stress. Or nervousness that I’m not packing the right things, like enough longsleeved clothes to be respectful. At 28, I’m learning it’s okay to feel it all. I get to notice it and run with it when I've got it. Stress, nervousness, excitement, and anxiety show up as similar feelings. It might be all of them, and it's okay, as confusing as that is.

3. Ask for forgiveness rather than permission. 

At the start of my 28th year, I found the contact information of one of my favorite musicians. I sent him a video of me singing to one of his recent song drops. This was hours before his show in Honolulu asking, or begging, for a ticket to his soldout performance. Since I'm timid, I felt awkward asking because I tend to be too polite and worry about what others might think. It’s the people pleaser inside me. But I did it anyway, and within ten minutes, he got back to me and graciously gifted me VIP tickets!

4. Let go of what others think of me.

I attended a standup paddle club in northern Michigan over the summer. I’d never done it before and borrowed an acquaintance’s board. I was one of the younger ones, and definitely the slowest paddler in the group by several minutes per mile, but I showed up anyway. I made a huge splash and fell twice near a snapping turtle. I used to worry about looking incompetent. I don’t any longer. I keep an open mind with realistic expectations for any new endeavor. I will never be in control of other’s expectations. Only my own. Best I focus on my own. Attempting to close that gap between their perception and my own will take a lifetime. And it will exhaust me, not to mention I find no joy in debate.

5. No apology for being known. 

I took an online “Foundations of Aloha” course with an in-person park potluck brunch on April 1st. I showed up without knowing anyone. Excitedly, I shared about the book on Pure Aloha I was co-authoring. Uncle George asked me, “When did you know you were a writer?” This prompted me to recall the first time I wrote for myself. I was ten years old, trying to heal from the grief and confusion. My Dziadzia abruptly passed from a heart attack 17 years earlier, on April 1st. I never realized before that writing was for me more than introspection. But healing too. This realization brought me to tears in a circle of strangers. No embarrassment or shame is necessary for sharing about myself. It takes courage and opens the door to a life with depth. I can question the notion of oversharing. I now realize it’s all about my boundaries for different comfort levels based on my audience.

6. Celebrate what you’ve got.

I biked 29 miles around northern Michigan on a random Wednesday morning in August. My coach, Kimmy, helped me to realize that I could reverse engineer the success. I did minimal prep work but just enough. With enough water, a charged watch, a protein bar, and a planned route, I was set up for success. When I notice the wins I’ve had in my life, it allows me to do more of them.

7. Love starts with acceptance of yourself. 

My feet are flat, and my wobbly ankles can roll over pebbles. My thighs have stretch marks. I will never have a thigh gap. My shoulders are broad. My hands sweat when I shake anyone’s hand, whether for the first time or fiftyth. At 28 years old, I have some gray hair. Instead of shame for who I am, I’ve come to love what makes me unique. I first need to accept myself before others can. Otherwise, I project my insecurity onto them. Unconditional love means hearing those unloveable whispers and letting them float to the background. Instead, move the intention to accept and respect reality without judgment to the foreground. It means listening to those voices without a hidden agenda of belittling. Listen to learn rather than always fix or change.

8. I don't need to apologize for what I feel. 

I used to let my logical brain run the rodeo of my life. I never skipped swim practice. I never switched my major in college. I figured once I did, I would do it again, and I wanted to be someone who held her word, even if that meant ignoring emotions. Nowadays, I open myself up to my feelings, even if it doesn’t make sense. I allow them to get a share in expressing and making decisions. For the first time, I came forward to share my crushes with people I admire. Other times, I told loved ones to stop bullying me. It might seem illogical to others, but to me, I am voicing my truth and what I feel and sense. That deserves a say for something.

9. Become friends with “I don’t know”.

Which God do I believe in? Still trying to figure it out. Who do I vote for? I don’t know yet. What do I find attractive? It’s evolving. Will I be in Hawaii forever? We’ll see how life unfolds. I’d rather be honest about where I’ve found answers than put up some phony facade with labels that do not resonate with who I am today.

On the company I keep

10. Listening is valuable enough.

One time I felt most alive was when I heard my new friend at a house party share about his favorite high school course on music theory. It set up his love affair with instruments and helped him understand music creation. People want to be listened to just as badly as you want to share. So, use the metaphor of two ears and one mouth as an opportunity to hear and listen to life and the people around you. My world expands by entering the world of others.

11. Choose affirmation over criticism.

I have a friend who drives me crazy when they cancel at the last minute. At the same time, they nourish me, and when they do show up, it’s with full presence. You cannot change people. So instead, encourage the behaviors you do like. Reprimanding someone's flaws while they're not seeking criticism is not supportive. If they invite guidance, then share your opinion.

12. Be choosy. 

I was dating this fellow last spring. He loved having us hang out with his friends, but I didn’t enjoy their company like he did. I never left those encounters feeling more nourished. If anything, I felt self-conscious for not knowing much about their interests. I’ve since learned that I can raise the standard for people I regularly share quality time with. You turn into who your environment is, so being selective can make your future self thankful.

13. Communicate with thoughtfulness.

After meeting someone, why not send them a voice note to share your tone? Jumping into new connections with appreciation through more mindful mediums launches the friendship to become more genuine. Send the email so they can see your depth of thought. Send the emoji so they can see your goofiness. Attach the image so they can see your face. You’re already getting their attention, so why not make it a more memorable impression?

14. Enjoy time with the gals.

I prompted a photoshoot at a garden in July for no reason other than I never do those. Having a dress-up night makes me feel so girly, like a ballerina putting on a costume again. I don’t feel that way often. Hanging out with the fellas is fun but irreplaceable as having quality time with the gals. Someone existing a similar biology as me based on gender can offer a perspective I need.

15. Weave the web of your community.

I facilitated a friendship between my writing and publishing friends, and now they’re publishing a book together. I introduced my biker friend to playing pickup volleyball, and now he’s got new roommates and a happier living situation. Bridging the gap of friends with shared interests is one of the most gratifying pursuits. Connect your community more often. I’ve added priceless value to friends in the best of ways.

16. Connect with people based on shared values.

On an impulse to learn a new skill, I signed up for a month-long acting 101 class with some acquaintances. We all decided to have an open mind, which made it fun. It's a recipe for continuity across the long haul rather than an ephemeral interest. This is something I realized while shedding my drinking buddies years ago.

17. People make the projects.

No matter what happened during my three-week trip to Southeast Asia, I knew that I’d get to connect more with my lifelong friend. She made me feel seen and supported. Doing the poetry course “Rhyme, Rhythm, Repeat” was a win because I got to facilitate it with Ellen. Putting together tribute videos for loved ones is a joy because I get to connect with their loved ones. It's special to experience life with people, so acknowledge that and verbally express gratitude to them. 

18. Soak in shared experiences.

 Last year, I experienced seeing a rainbow while at the helm of a fifty-foot sailboat racing across one of Michigan’s Great Lakes. My brother was next to me, and my dad soon came up from below deck.  Solo traveling is courageous, but shared experiences with people, especially loved ones, are more memorable. It’s a lot to expect of me to be healthy, safe, and enjoy everything in a new situation.

On living

19. Be a mermaid rather than a goat.

Land is cool. Lots of people are goats since that’s their natural inclination. But being in water brings me catharsis like nothing else. I’m a mermaid. This past year, I rediscovered my gift of swimming alongside open-water swimming in Michigan's lakes and the Pacific Ocean. I bought a wet suit that made me feel like a buoyant sausage. I felt rejuvenated and saw progress in my times across four different race events, which fed my desire for progress. In another life, I was a fish. I’ve been moving toward water my whole life. What is the definition of insanity? Being land-locked in Dallas, Texas, in August. 

20. Everything is actually a first-time experience.

In Hawaiʻi Volcanoes National Park, I embarked on my second silent Zen sesshin, sharing the trails with familiar faces. Yet, this time, my experience underwent a profound metamorphosis. I didn’t feel the same euphoric joy from meditation on the 4th day of silence as before. But I did notice vibrant red King Kamehameha butterflies. I did sit in silence as the world awoke with the sun kissing my eyelids and a caterpillar in front of me. I didn’t lead the trail for a whole day. Instead, I stepped into even more discomfort, and decided to stop leading to stand with my intention without hurry. This exact moment in time will never come again. Treat that with gratitude rather than fear of missing it. Take it in. Whether it seems like a first-time experience, it will always be unique and special. Because everything is. 

21. Life is and always will be uncertain and impermanent.

I write a letter to myself each month as a form of intimacy and radical honesty. Grasp on to the rituals, practices, and people you have right now and make the most of them. Realize that change is the constant slope. Be grateful when you've got a good thing going for you.

22. Give your instincts and doubts a seat at the table.

I went skiing out west for the first time in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, with my daredevil cousin. She coaxed me into going down a black diamond. There was no turning back. It was only day two of four, and I needed my legs in one piece to get my money’s worth for the rest of the trip. I decided to take it slow. Oh, how my legs burned. Since I was doing something in a foreign terrain, I took it at my own pace. Be without shame for a snail speed because you are at least doing the thing.

23. Be intentional with your devotions.

For the last five years, I've documented my thoughts, emotions, and observations every single day. This journaling practice isn't just a routine. It's a powerful force enabling my life and shaping my well-being. This has led me to take a break from social media. I want to devote myself to meaningful connection rather than what sometimes seems like a popularity contest. Algorithms hijack my monkey mind. Energy flows where your attention goes.

24. Do the thing because the opportunity presents itself and the timing is good enough.

Bike 6,000 feet up a volcano? Delay my flight to go to a rooftop reading party in Brooklyn? Sign up for a triathlon a week before? Enjoy a week in Austin to meet my writing community IRL? Pay close attention to unplanned invitations. There is a life floating by that is trying to live with you versus the life you plan to live swimming against a current. I want to, and my curiosity cannot wait— that is reason enough. Leaping to act may look impulsive and immature to others, but it’s your life, not theirs. If the invitation is good enough timing, then shoot your shot.

25. Take action rather than risk regret.

I applied for a scholarship for a master’s program in conflict resolution because my resistance to confrontation is an area of opportunity. This rejection was a tough email to receive. As always, it stings, but it stung less than the imaginary “What if” story. Those never lead to resolve. So, apply to the job, go cold email that inspiring person, go on the date, or raise your hand and ask the question. I’ve found that the problems I didn't try to solve are the ones that stick around and can fester with regret. 

26. Have check-ins for end dates. 

Before the holidays, the HOPA team packed and shipped out 150+ HOPA holiday gifts with advanced reader copies of the HOPA Book to the community of supporters. It was the most productive, satisfying, and stressful day of my year. Having resolve to complete something as a version of your idea is much better than never completing it. Even if you wish to get to the finish line, having check-in points is invaluable. 

27. Travel isn’t all that glamorous.

I lost my sleeping mask on a 23-hour layover in South Korea. So, on my first day in Malaysia, I went on a treasure hunt to five shopping malls looking for a new one. Sleep isn’t sexy, but staying healthy and energized is. I could choose to share the highlight reel, but that’s not true of the human experience. Life is like that hospital screen of a heart rate monitor with high highs and low lows. I want the stories I tell about my life to reflect that. Trying to remain healthy and secure and to enjoy the experience all takes a lot of energy, luck, and mindset shifts.

28. It’s okay to seek places that make me feel refreshed.

I like remote places. As a twentysomething, I hear that I need to be a ball of energy and love stimuli. But sometimes, I am running on the reserves after being in a hyperactive place. I could finally breathe again after traveling from Kuala Lumpur to Tioman Island. I knew I was remote when I got to my scuba diving accommodation without roads on a moped side car off a 15-person plane. When I am in an unfamiliar circumstance, I can cut things in my choice to make me feel more confident and secure.

As I embark on my 29th year, I aim to delve deeper into acceptance, love, and unraveling life's intricacies with support from my intuition. Each day offers growth opportunities, and I look forward to progressing on these lessons with courage and an open heart. 

Here's to living out as many rich experiences as possible that ignite even more lessons to come and feeling all the feelings that my complex human existence has in store in the year ahead. 

---

This piece was not written alone. Thank you to everyone who supported this piece turn into creation, including James Bailey , Lyle McKeany , Dan McGlinn, Felicity Brand, Simoun Redoblado, Russel Smith, peer coaching with Ann and Courtney, and conversations with Emily, Tom, and Sam.